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  • Erin Griffith-Coulrophobic

All My Grandma's Clowns


I love my Gramma! I love her to the moon and back twice. And I realize that in some bygone era (before Stephen King, John Wayne Gacy, ICP, and the Killer Clowns from Outer Space) clowns were cute, fun, and child friendly.

But for those of you who know me, clowns are like my worst fear: they are terrifying, creepy, and generally unsettling. This fear stems from eleven year old me being an "advanced reader," my mother being a free spirited semi-hippie who did not believe in limiting my access to intellectual stimuli, and a little Stephen King book called "It." This has lead to much good- spirited ridicule and razzing on the part of my family, friends and my husband. If you have not read my blog post about it, here you go...

https://www.caffeineandweirdness.com/single-post/2016/10/01/Totally-Called-It

Anyway, back to my Gramma. Ever since I was a kiddo, my grandparents had some creepy stuff in their house. In their house in Florida, my late grandpa had a creepy stuffed leprechaun that had Satan's eyes and was laying on its side with its head in its hand like some creepy St. Patty's day child molester. Also, he may, or may not, have been winking. I made my mom and dad remove the leprechaun from the room every time we stayed at their house. I would post a picture of it, but so far, nobody can find photographic evidence of the "lecherous leprechaun." This is probably because it's lecherous stare broke or drained the batteries of the cameras that tried to get photographic evidence of its existence.

My grandma also had many many clown statues and dolls. Because, like I said, clowns used to be safe and cute. They used to represent the innocence of childhood. While I was a wee child, they totally went unnoticed. It was only later, after "the book," that I began to really notice the sheer amount of clowns in my Gramma's house.

So, after my Grandpa passed, my Gramma moved and I hoped (as many of us did) that the clowns would go the way of the garage sale or the thrift store. But sadly no. Now, they sit on top of her kitchen cabinets, in her curio cabinet, and now, hanging from the ceiling of her porch. The collection is definitely smaller, but that means that she kept the oldest and most creepy of the clowns.

This was a nice surprise when I walked out on my Gramma's back porch to get some fresh air after driving for hours. I almost peed.

It was the moment that I almost wet myself in terror, that I decided to document all of my Gramma's creepy clowns for a few reasons. Reason one, this was a new clown that I had never been terrified by before. Reason two, my Gramma is 90, and someday (no matter how unlikely) I might want to remember her pandemonium of clowns, because I love her.

I call this guy..."The Happy Stoner"

I call this one, "Creeper in the Plastic Ivy"

I call this one "Justicles". He has 1990s Justin Timberlake Hair and the 1980s George Micheal 5 o'clock shadow.

Just try to tell me that I am wrong.

Now this night terror is called "Has anyone seen my Machete?" He clearly drinks the blood of his enemies and is saying "See you in your nightmares!"

I genuinely feel bad for this little guy. Sans clown makeup, he really had potential to be not terrifying.

I call these two "It Rubs the Lotions on its Skin" because they make me feel like I am trapped in the bottom of a pit with only a bottle of lotion and a garden hose for company.

Now this little guy snuck up on me. I totally didn't see him right away. He was hiding with "The Happy Stoner" and I feel like he should actually be playing a banjo, not a bass. I called him "Creepy Uncle" because he looks like he didn't even try with the makeup and also like he is playing a song to attract children that he can eat for dinner later.

Lastly, the most terrifying of all, mostly because of its size. The picture really doesn't do it justice, it really is quite a large statue. Not to mention the fact that he is doing the splits which adds to the "molestery" vibe he gives off. He is actually supposed to hang from the ceiling (hard to say whether it would be equally terrifying or more terrifying hanging vs sitting). I named him "Pennywise." For anyone who has read or watched "It" you can totally feel where I am coming from. "You'll all float. You'll all FLOAT!!"

Sweet Dreams!

Laters!


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