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  • Erin P Griffith

How NOT to decorate a big ass Christmas tree. "Are you se


So this year, much like last year, we ended up with a behemoth, Clark W. Griswold, style Christmas tree.

Let's just say that my husband and I are not good at judging height. It almost touches our huge vaulted ceiling.

Here is a step by step guide to how I decorated this tree...poorly.

1. Go ahead and put the giant tree in your normal plastic tree stand from target.

...and watch it slowly lean, lean, lean, and fall over in the night. Wake your husband up at 4am to help you set the tree back up so that sap and needles do not get all over your $600 remote controlled window blinds.* foot note about why we have $600 remote control window blinds.

Get tree set to rights, only to watch it slowly lean, bend the plastic stand, and fall again. Lean tree against opposite wall and go back to bed.

At 8 am the next morning, go to Lowes and purchase a $60 welded steel, bad ass tree stand meant to hold up only the largest and most felonious Christmas trees. Successfully stand tree up. Feel like a super hero.

2. If you need an extension ladder to put lights on your tree...your tree is too big and you should reconsider your life choices.

...and you can go ahead and just skip the boxed lights...you need to buy the lights that are sold on a reel (200-300 at a time) You will need at least 2000 lights if you plan on lighting your entire tree.

Or, if you're like me, only put lights on the front and sides of your tree and skip the back all together (I know it's wrong, but that's how I roll). Then you only use 1000 lights, and do not have to figure out how you are going to "spider-man" yourself up and around the back of your tree.

3. Go ahead and decorate the tree like normal.

....then stand back and realize that you cannot see a single ornament because they are so fucking tiny on your huge tree. You just spent two hours putting every single ornament you own (including the ornament that looks like Santa's butt and makes fart noises) on your tree and when you stand back, it looks like you did nothing. Good luck finding the pickle on the tree this year bitches!

4. Go back to the store and buy some big ass ornaments.

...you know those ornaments that you see at Walmart that are huge and you think to yourself...who even buys these? You do. You now buy those huge ornaments that are the size of a toddlers disembodied head. They come like three to a box or one to a box and are either super cheap (Walmart) or ridiculously expensive (Hobby Lobby). Buy an ass load of them, because you have to make up for the fact that you cannot even see the hundreds of regular ornaments that you already put on the tree.

Also go ahead and buy some big ribbon and tie some bows on those bad boys so that they are even bigger. Your goal is to make the ornaments take up as much space as possible.

5. Start taking stock of what you have at home that could even possibly be used as an ornament.

To avoid going broke buying huge ornaments, look at what you have at home. I have some black metal lanterns that I use all year as decorations. So I slapped some ribbon on those bad boys and wire tied them to the tree. The tree is so huge that you can barely see the giant lanterns that are strapped to it...but they fill in space so they are staying.

To give you an idea of the size of our tree; as I was wire tying the first lantern to the tree, my husband says "those are way to heavy for the tree honey, the branches aren't going to be able to support the weight." While staring at him, I let go of the lantern, and it hung there, not even slightly displacing the branch. It was a truly bad ass response, I wish I had it on video *sigh*

So if you have lanterns, or old truck tires, small home appliances, or stuffed animals lying around that you can strap to your tree....you will need to do that. Unless you can afford hundreds of dollars of giant ornaments...then you just go on with your bad self and buy all those ornaments.

6. Get a grabber thing.

...when my grandma was in the rehab center after her hip surgery, they gave her this three foot long grabber so that she could reach stuff that was on the floor or high up. It came in really handy when I was up on the second to the top rung of the extension ladder hanging my favorite glass Yoda ornament at the top of the tree (where it belongs). It also helped to put the garland around the tree and place the topper.

You may want to invest in one if you have a big -ass tree.

7. Next year, take a chaperone.

My mother in law, Kim, has declared that Eric and I are no longer allowed to go christmas tree shopping unchaperoned.

Luckily, Kim is exactly 5 feet tall, so she will stand next to the trees and if the tree is three or more "Kims" tall, then it is too big. I think that using the "Kim" as a measuring unit will be a lot easier than asking the tree salesperson.

When we bought our tree, we asked how tall the tree was and we were told that it was a "tall tree" since it was in the "tall tree" section of the tree farm.

8. Stand back and admire the hot mess that you have made out of a perfectly lovely conifer.

There you have it...how to decorate a big ass Christmas tree very badly. Sometimes I think it is my life's work to serve as a warning to others...and here we have a great example of why that may be true.

Laters!

Promised footnote...

*We have $600 remote control window shades because the sun shines directly into the windows when it begins to set and blinds all those who walk into our living room. We decided that rather than wearing sunglasses in the house every afternoon for several hours, that we would put shades on them. The problem was that the windows are at least 2 "Kims" off the ground and so we would not be able to reach them to raise or lower the shades. Therefore, remote control (very pricey) shades.


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