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  • Erin Griffith

At least you don't need a prescription....


Several of my friends have reposted or shared articles, on facebook and twitter, considering the use of tequila as a probiotic. The articles postulate that a shot of tequila a day can help digestive health.

I mean, why not right, tequila is distilled from the agave plant so it's vegan, low carb, organic...all the things we hipsters totally go for now a days. The former undergraduate sorority party girl side of me screams "Yeah bitches! Let's go do some shooters! " puts on her slutty bar clothes and stilettos and runs out the door!

The graduated, fully employed, mother of two side of me grabs the undergraduate sorority party girl Erin by her hair, slaps her across the face and says "Have we forgotten all of the trouble tequila can cause? What is wrong with you?!"

Sadly for party girl Erin, the tequila ship has sailed...like 15 years ago. I had to break up with tequila for many reasons; but mostly because she talked me into making some really bad decisions, enjoying really bad music (i'm talking about you Nickelback and Creed), dance on top of one too many bars and/or tables, and flirt with one too many strange men.

Tequila was always fine after our nights out together; but, I was haggard looking, dehydrated, and felt like I had been hit by a train full of cracked out sumo wrestlers. One time, thanks to tequila, a friend whose name I have changed to protect her identity (Nicole) threw up on my favorite shoes outside of a club....and they were expensive shoes too. Now, granted I paid her back by throwing up on her shoes on my 21st birthday, but this is not about who threw up on whose shoes ...this is about tequila...and why I ended our relationship.

First of all, tequila just tastes bad on its own and anyone who says differently either works for the marketing department of a tequila company OR is a raging alcoholic for whom a bottle of Aqua Velva would would go down just as smooth and taste just as good as a shot of Cuervo gold.

Secondly, the only reason people do shots of tequila is to watch other people pretend to like the taste. It is a test of "bad ass-ness." Everyone stands around trying to keep a straight face, as not to show weakness, when everyone is actually thinking...this is what licking my own ass would probably taste like.

And if you "win" by not showing weakness, what do you get? You either get to walk away with your pride, hoping that the taste of burning tires will eventually wear off OR you get another shot of tequila (to which you secretly say...Thanks, man...I didn't want to feel my teeth and face for the rest of the night anyway).

I mean, green Nyquil tastes better than tequila. Licking the bottom of a bar ashtray would taste better. Unless you go all "turduckhen" on tequila and stuff it with lemon and salt, sweet and sour mix, redbull, coke, spiced rum, 7 up, lemon/lime juice, grenadine, triple sec, two cherries, and an orange, you can barely even drink it.

Anyway, turns out that the articles are not based on actual "facts" or "research" and are probably just propaganda put out by tequila companies to sell more product by marketing tequila as a "health food" instead of the "face numbing black-out juice" or "bottled poor choices" that it actually is. For my part, I am sticking with yogurt for my probiotics and leaving the tequila for those bad asses who need to prove their worth.

Well, this was a rambling bordering on crazy, stream of consciousness post...hope you enjoyed it.

Laters!


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