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  • Erin Griffith

Please allow me to introduce myself...


I would like you all to meet Lucifer...

He is a 2012 (recently paid off) Jeep Grand Cherokee Laredo...and he is a bastard. Why Erin, you say, is your charred and blackened heart so cold that your indignation applies even to soulless objects.

Yes, yes it does.

I am convinced that my Jeep is possessed by a demon; probably the same demon who possessed Miley Cyrus after she left the Disney Channel. He has had like 13+ recalls. some are minor-ish (like the possibility that the vanity lamp could smolder and catch the car on fire) to kind of major (like the brakes could freeze up during cold weather). He even has recalls on the recalls- like if you had the vanity lamp fixed, you need to bring it back because original fix could also smolder and catch fire..which was the problem in the first place.

Aside from the recalls, Old Luci, has required two 4-5 day stays for a complete (thousands thousands of dollars) overhaul of his air conditioning system AND heating system. Then, as if on cue for winter time, heat comes out, cold comes out...but the fan that circulates the air quits working. It burned out. Burned like the fires of hell that this car crawled out of. So you can be heated or cooled, but only if you are directly in front of the vent, and the car is moving, and only if you provide him with a blood sacrifice. Since we are slowly and inexorably moving toward winter, I need to have this fixed so my children do not freeze to death during an Ohio February...or overheat during an Ohio February. Ohio weather is pretty unpredictable.

His check engine light has been on for years now because he has multiple (hundreds of dollars worth) of sensors that are malfunctioning. At first, I was a the typical owner of an evil vehicle and had all of these things fixed...because I was RESPONSIBLE. Now, he is just fucking with me. I kind of figure that if Lucifer has a REAL problem, that he will show me more than just an orange LED light.

Sometimes, when I put on the brakes; you know, to stop at a stop light, he just shudders and shuts off. I called a dealership on this and asked about it and they said that this is actually SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN. It has a name apparently, but the guys at the dealership could not think of it at the time.

Lucifer has a drinking problem. His window washer fluid light has been on for at least a year now because he THINKS that he needs washer fluid...he doesn't...he has plenty. It will cost $400-500 to fix this problem so I am really just waiting for the LED light to burn out. Because, I kind of figure, I will fill the washer fluid...when no fluid comes out of the little holes anymore. Why the hell is there a sensor for that anyway...isn't that one of those things that is just blatantly apparent?!

Everytime I check the washer fluid, I yell "You don't need fluid Lucifer! You are fine, you needy bastard!"

The creepiest thing that Lucifer does has to do with the radio (cue "Tubular Bells" from the exorcist). I tend to listen to books in the car or we play my kids playlist using a bluetooth connection to my phone. However, periodically, Lucifer must get sick of the story or music because he will just randomly stop what is on and play "Hooked on a Feeling." I kid you not "ooga chacka, ooga ooga chacka...I can't stop this feeling, deep inside of me.." hooked on a feeling. We are not sure why this song is his song of choice or why it just randomly interrupts what is currently playing and plays THIS song, but it is creepy...damn creepy.

I may need an old priest and a young priest.

Laters

AS


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