• Erin Griffith

Totally Called It!

For those of you that do not live in Ohio, we have a "murderous clown" problem. Ok, so no clowns have actually murdered anyone yet, but they have been hanging out in the woods trying to get kids attention ala Pennywise the clown from Stephen King's IT. It would seem that they were just being creepy at first, but it has ballooned into clowns threatening to attack schools and causing them to close. Parents are afraid to let their kids go play outside. Sheriffs are warning anyone that gets the bright idea to dress up as a clown that they need to keep in mind the large number of people who have concealed carry permits in Ohio.

Now, it would be wrong for me to make light of this increasingly scary situation...but


All my friends were like "Erin's crazy!" and "Clowns are awesome!" But I was fucking right! They are scary murderous pedophilic creepers!! HA HA!

Let me back up a little. I was an "advanced reader" in school and was reading at a high school/college level at a VERY young age (5th grade). I would read anything from the classics (Pride and Prejudice, Black Beauty, anything by Shakespeare, Emily Bronte, or Charlotte Bronte) to Sweet Valley High, The Baby Sitters Club, Fear Street, and Christopher Pike, to Stephen King's IT. And there it is. As a 5th grader I read IT against my mother's wishes and cemented my fear of clowns FOR-EV-ER. Imagine reading a truly horrific horror novel with a child eating clown as the protagonist as an 11 year old kid. I had a really difficult time sleeping for months after I finished the book. No other book by Stephen King or otherwise, has ever scared me like IT did and I have read a lot of creepy strange books since I was 11 years old.

Truthfully, I have few to no other true fears except clowns. I love creepy crawly bugs and reptiles. I don't mind heights or enclosed spaces. I love the water and am a decent swimmer. Bridges don't bother me and I have stepped on thousands upon thousands of cracks and my mother is just fine. But clowns...those fuckers cause me to have panic attacks and wet my pants.

My own grandmother decorated her kitchen with these creepy little clown figurines all along the top of her cabinets. The only way I can go in there is to NEVER LOOK UP and eat with my back to the kitchen. My cousin and I decided that someday, we will set every one of those little creepy plastic fuckers on fire.

Anyway, my friends found my fear quite entertaining, especially at clown heavy haunted houses and trails where I would scream things like "Kill it with fire!" or "Save yourselves, I'm dead already." I would hit the deck and crawl blindly through or around clown rooms or areas, hyperventilating and panicking until I was out and could breathe again. My high school boyfriend once tried to use me as a human shield through a clown infested haunted house...he ended up getting pushed down the stairs (take that bastard!). turned out that he was not "the one" for me.

My husband finds my fear of clowns "endearing" since I seem to have few other fears. However, I can honestly say that if a clown jumped in front of my car...I would make zero attempts to stop and would prooobably hit the accelerator. I doubt he would find "clown slaughter" or "vehicular homicide" all that endearing. If I see balloon animal making clowns or balloon selling clowns at children's events with my kids...I avoid them and try to avert my kids attention. Also, my children have never dressed as clowns for halloween. And during "Circus Day" at preschool, they dressed as lion tamers.

Anyway...I called it! Clowns are creepy and dangerous and all Ohioans know it now. I guess it's a bit of a hollow victory. Be safe out there everyone!

Sweet Dreams!


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