• Erin Griffith

This post might get me possessed by angry Native American spirit gremlins

First of all, do not be offended by this post if you are of Native American descent, this is not a comment on my feeling about Native Americans, just one particular piece of "art" that creeps me out... like the puppets from the "lonely goatherd" song in the Sound of Music (I did not sleep for weeks after watching those little dancing, bulgy eyed, wooden jerks).

Ever since I have known my mother and father-in-law, they have had a house on the lake. Since it is their plan to retire there, they decided to build a larger lake house that was designed more for year round living then just weekend visits. My mother-in-law is blessed with impeccable taste in decorating and design. No matter what she does, her style is timeless and classic. Her house is always clean inside and out.

Unfortunately, not all people are blessed with my mother-in-law's special gifts. In fact, the first time i walked into the beautiful florida room on the second level of her picturesque new house, I was confronted with this....

This motherf**ker was staring at me from the decrepit shambles of the house next door. And I am not kidding, his face is angled just so that he looks like he is looking right into the florida room window! I said "What. The. Fuck?" and my husband's grandmother, Mary, replied, "That's exactly what I said."

Now, I know what you're thinking "You used profanity in front of your husband's grandmother?!" Well, no, not USUALLY. But this was a special circumstance where the f-bomb was really the only appropriate word to use; and, as it is my second favorite curse word, I went ahead and just flopped it on out there . AND SHE AGREED WITH ME! So, don't be all judgy judgy about it.

Ok, so the weird thing about this big fat indian face is that it is PRISTINE. It's paint is unfaded and bright as the day that someone nailed his ass up there; despite, being in direct sunlight for at least half of every day. The house that he is nailed to is well...not. The paint is faded and the whole house actually leans to the right. There is dry rotted wood falling off of the sides and roof, and the yard is overgrown in places. It really needs some TLC in the form of a wrecking ball and a new plan. To be honest, the Indian face is probably the only thing holding the house together.

So, this indian face really creeps me the hell out...I avoid the florida room in the house because its like he is looking at you with his beady little unfaded eyes. Just look at him...staring at you through the screen...he will haunt your nightmares now like some kind of native american gremlin.

When you come back from a boat ride on the lake...he's like, surprise mothafuckas! I'm still here!

My husband's grandmother commented that, if she were younger, she would climb over the fence and rip the down the black plastic cat that they had sitting in their boat-well (to keep birds from nest there, I suppose). I considered doing just that, taking care of the plastic cat problem AND ripping down the indian head while I was at it. But, I had a feeling that If i ripped down the indian head that the entire house would collapse and I would be haunted by angry native american spirits for the rest of my life.

Luckily, a couple of weekends later, a storm demolished their boat well, leaving it a pile of rubble with a plastic cat sticking straight up out of the rubble still nailed to his perch as if to mock my husbands poor grandmother. And, despite a large amount of storm damage, the indian face remained undamaged and just as bright as if to say, "Still alive, bitches!"

Gah! I really hope someone buys this property soon before I lose my self control and get myself haunted or possessed. I will probably get both because of this blog post.



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