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  • Erin "Mad Dog" Griffith

WTF Kohls?!


This actually took place back in September (the beginning of school) and I forgot to post it. I can truthfully tell you that I have not been back to my Kohls since the day I wrote this post.

I cannot stand Kohls! Specifically my Kohls. I'm sure your Kohls is quite nice and I am sure that most Kohls stores are fabulous; but, my Kohls (the one that is within a reasonable driving distance) is a hot mess, a cluster f%$#, a freaking disaster area, a nightmare for any type-A personality.

Firstly, it is cursed...or I am cursed while in there. I have quit trying on clothes there at all because twice I have been in the dressing room when the power has gone out. Not once, but twice. There are or were no emergency lights in the dressing room and it was pitch black. Like, so black I could not find my purse to get my phone or penlight out AND I was wearing clothes that were not my own both times, so I had to try to put my regular clothes back on in pitch blackness. Neither time did anyone come to my rescue.

Secondly, like twice a year, the store is well organized and I can walk happily between well organized racks of clothes with bliss. The rest of the year, it is a retail nightmare. Racks upon racks of random clothes that don't match, from multiple departments, hangers and clothes sizes that don't match, hangers with no sizes at all, hangers sticking out at random angles to catch your clothes as you walk by, no tags, display shoes that do not have matching boxes below, boxes of shoes thrown randomly everywhere, piles of converse boxes missing one or both shoes, and sweater sets that are missing one part. All of these things could be the fault of the store or the stores unruly patrons OR both (probably both).

On my latest sojourn to Kohls, I was looking for a basic outfit to wear for open house. It was nightmarish. I gathered my wits and thought that I would treat this shopping trip like Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. I would treat it like an adventure where I was searching for magic gold mayan capri pants which are hidden in the Temple of Kohls. I had hoped that this mindset would make it easier to navigate the confusing non-organization of the store.

I went to the area formerly known as "the women's section" and walked from random rack to random rack looking for a pair of capri pants in a size 18. There were pants from size 0 to size 42 (what? Isn't that a man's size?) I saw a Kohls employee and asked "Am I in the women's section?" She replied yes. I told her that I needed a size 18 and asked, "Is there a specific spot where I can find a pair of size 18 capri pants or are they just kind of "sprankled*" around?" (I make sprankle fingers). She looked around and said, "If you want Sonoma, they're all over this area". You will have to go to the other side of the store for any other brand. Uh huh. I eventually found a pair of smart, size 18 capri pants in a rack full of workout shorts, tank tops, wool sweaters, and fugly blouses.

I approached the checkout and the lady asked, "Did you find everything that you were looking for?"

I said, "Yes, but it is a bit of a disaster, a cluster if you will, around here. It is very hard to find anything."

"It hasn't been the same since tax-free weekend." She replied with big haunted eyes. This was said with the nervous bearing that someone might have after their Kohls has been attacked by zombies.

"Oh. My. Gawd." I thought, "This place is the seventh circle of hell."

It needs an exorcist. Call an old priest and a young priest!

Ok, Kohls - see you in another 6-9 months.

Laters.


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